There’s just so much, and friends and family will never really understand what happened to us. Why do narcs disappear? So she stirs up my guilt to try to keep me from doing it again. What a fool I have been. Years ago I was depressed upon being discarded for new supply by this somatic d-bag, but in the interim, his ‘new’ supply and he have broken up multiple times (don’t know if they are together or not, as I refuse to look) and on top of this, I came to learn he has a Hot or Not account. He texted he took another woman and bragged about having sex all night. We all know animal cruelty exists and I help them when I can. Funny how I spoke everything you have done and why to you before even doing the research! They did manger to speak with her yesterday so I know that she isn’t dead and is cutting us all off again. Of course he never did, after a few days or weeks he came back like nothing had happened and with a new topic relating himself. Unsuspecting, forgiving, loving, caring, loyal, doesn’t give up, and fresh to all this that I know now like I’m a master at these games narcissist play. Three years ago he surprised me with concert tickets for a group I haven’t seen in a long time; I told him I couldn’t just drop everything and go meet spur of the moment. Save yourself, find your self again and believe you can. And watch how they treat those they don’t have to treat well. He discarded me because he couldn’t control me and I saw behind his mask. The fight we had before I left him I actually took his laptop for a couple days and he completely flipped out because he needed it for school( he was working on his BA at the time(which is another long story) so I brought it back to him. My situation is the exact same as yours!!! I missed out on nearly four years of my life while I was with him. They are very clever manipulators who can prey on the smartest of people. He ended up putting me on hold and never came back to the line. Silent Treatments ) are designed to punish you. Nothing made sense, but she *said* XYZ…but of course nothing made sense because I was getting lies. I still feel foolish, but I will never be with someone like that ever, ever again! If he was home, he wanted to be left alone. Yet he still disappeared into thin air again. Before that day, I was so happy living a fairy tale. It is best, in my opinion, to leave until they reach out to you to come back. Part of my soul died that day. ♡ I’m almost out emotionally speaking. It was just like you say. So I accepted his lame excuses/apologies and we stayed together. But he always came back – not because he really loved me, but because he feared someone else may ‘take’ me. I just sit there and that it. So glad I was able to give you a little boost, Mary Ann . He did alot of emotional abuse..i want a divorce.. One of the best articles I’ve read about Narco abuse and how they control the victim and how they remain in the picture even after the breakup. . I’m sure this must be the 7th time – I read somewhere that’s how many times it takes to let go. GO “NO CONTACT: and begin to repair your beautiful giving soul so you can feel whole again. Everything seems like a fairy tale when—poof!–the narcissist vanishes. So the search begins again. Some of it was just a deep attachment because I am real. This is him: He loves me, hes not leaving the relationship he’s just leaving the house to better himself for us (On my birthday I heard voice messages on his phone from a girl in NA saying how much she needed him and she loves him so much. Learned helplessness is behavior typical of an organism (human or animal) that has endured repeated painful or otherwise aversive stimuli which it was unable to escape or avoid. Continuous bacteria infections knowing I only had him as my sexual partner. He had been with her for the 3 months we had been back together and is still with her to this day almost 2 years later. I can go on and on just on this, but I see now as she’s getting a little older he is ruining her even though he tries to be the worlds greatest dad and the relationship I saw he had with her was one of the reasons I loved him so now makes me sick, as I see its destroying her, and I am scared for her, but I can’t hurt myself or my kids any longer. I said they don’t hate you baby it’s your behavior . Kenyan Visual Artist alcoholic and young (32) talented good looking and self aware he is a N. No contact was my only choice as I was spiraling down from learned helplessness. I was determined to keep him satisfied, make him happy, be “the best wife.”. I fell for it. Everything he said and did was justified. Gave him time, attention, and support… looking back those are the same unreal expectations of a father that would devistate my son, bc the NPD would vanish just when my son would start to think he’s coming back…..his bio dad stays away, bc he’s decent enough to know the long term damage. Sad thing is that I know that she’ll be treated the same way too. Now I completely understand why, when I bought my N a 4X battery extender for her phone….so that it would NEVER be dead…..she was not so impressed. This provides an excellent example of how dangerously misleading it can be to make armchair diagnoses without understanding the process of differential diagnosis. Please keep educating people on this. Hi Kim, First of all, thank you so much for your many articles. Bradley. “leave until they reach out to you to come back. I got the shock of his rejection. He came back around once via phone calls and texts messages while with another woman. I’ve been reading a lot of articles on narcissists just recently. Thank you for stopping by and for sharing. I will help you. and even though I was well over him and he was just doing some maintence on the four ponds he built in my back yard ( instead of getting a job as promised in 2014-15) she didn’t know me and know that I needed someone to take him away. I now KNOW it WAS NOT ME!!! When we believe something, we act accordingly. So I started seeking counsel to deal with his outrageous screaming sessions and dreaming of me and my son until i had to call the local authorities to have him escorted out of the home and due to him getting fired we got evicted and loss everything. I AM crazy and I DO trigger him. Well now, he’s likely found another victim but we’ve broken up so many times & got back together only to re-enact the same scene. But he called the cops on me and they drove me to the mental ward. Research shows that the narcissist’s style is Ludus love, and their objective is to enjoy uncommitted pleasure.1 They’re playing a game, and winning is the goal. There are times when one party of a desperate couple seeking answers to why the two are so different. Thank you, My wife has been increasingly disappearing. I was sure I was the one with the mental problems…..she convinced me of it. go forward, love you!!! He was always “missing.” Would sneak off on his own without saying a word — or deliberately argued with me, so he had a reason to “get away.” He guarded his precious phone with his life, never let me near it! She has a degree in Psychology and is the founder of www.esteemology.com, a website dedicated to educating and healing survivors of abusive relationships. I think of him rarely and I’m a stronger person for the experience. Thanks, thanks, and thanks again! Best one ever? Narcissists are notorious for saying one thing, but doing the opposite. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your experience. Not sure what a 30 year sees in s 65 yr old man. He even went as far as to poisen my drinks, flatten tires, took over my cellphones with spy ware 4 of them i changed and my social media accounts. Some criminal things mind you. He just could not stay single long enough to even straighten himself out. Trust the writing and posts, learn from them and believe them. From the bottom of my heart. From the moment he has moved into my apartment after I have broken up with him. How can one smart, successful business woman fall for this again??? Haven’t heard a word since. I never cheated on him, never used him, never manipulated him. 10 Easy Steps to Torture a Narcissist - QueenBeeingQueenBeeing, This is the Big Secret About Narcissistic Abuse Recovery - QueenBeeingQueenBeeing, Toxic Relationships: How to Identify Narcissistic Personality Disorder - QueenBeeingQueenBeeing, Is your new guy a narcissist? Their kids are their victims, she is his samisive, and I was his supply…..DISGUSTING! ), but back on the homosexual thing. I really want to break up with her and move on, but she’s currently not accessible again because her (brand new!) After his last conversation where I was the only one for him, I asked him about moving and what he thought about it. Spot on, for my ex! any age guy/girl FAM, kids, exes, strangers, co-workers they all play tooo! With that being said, silent treatments – where a person disappears for days or weeks on end – are not part of a healthy relationship, nor should disagreements be handled this way. So, anyone want to put in input about seeing their name all over the place and including my job, hit me up. It can cause serious emotional and psychological damage if you don’t realize what is happening. The blame was always on me, I would leave to work with her in a great mood and return home to hell on earth. I know who the “y’all” is and”everyone” was fine, until he made contact. It turned my life upside down though. NARCS constantly ATTN, ATTN, ATTN anyway, any shape, any form, any supply 24 7…. They will leave you without any answers as to why they have decided to drop you for someone else after you gave them everything they asked for. Emotional manipulators have this incredible ability to magically reappear, after everything they’ve done, and act as if nothing happened. He eventually got into making money illegally. I´m in therapy and meds. And it turned out that this is exactly what he was doing. Because he’s my boss we couldn’t let anyone know about us because it would ruin his career, but not even his friends, family or ex wife knew we were together. His dad almost died from having open heart surgery and I stayed with him the night before when he couldn’t sleep all he did was toss and turn, I stayed up with him all night. Your gifts of wisdom and insights on emotional abuse and co-dependency recovery are incredible resources. 5 yrs later he came back into the picture said he cleaned up and wants a relationship with me again and is willing to provide and marry me. But when he found this girl it’s like the last 5 years never existed. as fast as you can. So watch out for this. That is exactly what my daughter said to me. He had left his firm in San Francisco, and I have known people who found jobs investment banking outside the US. I always wonder how many victims that write on Narc websites and Quora, etc. . Amen!!!! He never texted me back after that. But do you know something? It is very exhausting but I do love him; however I am at the point where I cant involve myself intimately with him anymore. They just, all of a sudden, were completely unreachable. The narcissist could well be dubbed The Constant Gardner because they are perpetually trolling for new targets, even though they always have a main source of supply. What is the difference should a narcissist use this as proof to show their victim is the narc? Even though I am single and not cheating on anyone, I helped him cheat on her and I knew he was cheating on her when we were together, but I love him so much and I am still IN love with him so I allowed it to happen. He acts upon how he feels in the moment. I disagree with one statement you made. Lied to police. When people look at them, chase them, or want them in any way, it makes them feel good about themselves. He got us for 9 yrs. I just don’t know if I’m a complete idiot for thinking that he’ll change and wake up sometime. Thanks for letting me vent . As I said a word about myself he immediately started withdrawing, ended the conversation without any explanation. The narcissist starts to wonder that if they never had the upper hand in the relationship. Falling in love with the ‘loving and doting’ father I thought he was only to later see the damage he was doing to their own psychological health. I was bombarded with attention and time and gifts and love for three straight months and then BOOM he was just GONE, all the freaking time. Some men truly are evil , nasty people. I’m still very much in love with the man I thought he was, but I now know it was all an illusion. It did just the opposite. Once he admitted it the mental abuse kicked up. I realized I was allowing all of it and I took back control of my life. I hate the shadow the N left behind and that is haunting my self esteem and confidence. It changes our behavior and who we are and it’s a very difficult habit to break. Disappears for days and weeks on end, goes on vacation during that time, completely ignores me… It’s hard. To all reading this. I learned my lesson and never to send nasty text messages or lash out because you will be along side of the N. A year passed after those major issues i learned to adjust and educate myself. The devaluation is tortuous, horrific and unpleasant. I get a lot of the missing pieces from these great articles. Now when he did talk to me it was with attitude. When I gathered everything and filed a restraining order against him he went and married his ex girlfriend less than 3 weeks later. I seperated from my N soon after our son was born due to his out of control drinking, smoking, and not providing for our child. I’m telling you, run, who cares how long you were together, who cares how you do it, just run. Rejuvenated. My ex-narc even managed to keep some of MY friends as hers. What would you do? After he had assured she was interested and wanted to be in a relationship with her, he just threw me in the trash like I was nothing and like the last 5 years we were together were nothing. Got my son taken by the state. | The Story of my Twin Boys Oliver and Oscar Ferreira, http://letmereach.com/2015/12/12/why-narcissists-disappear-hint-its-not-just-the-silent-treatment/, Free Training – 7 Proven Strategies to Defeat Narcissistic Abuse. Even more disturbing is that those “glorious” times when they spend ten-day stretches with you is the time they are giving the silent treatment to their ex; and when the narcissist subsequently disappears from your life, they’ve gone to hoover their other supply! The last time he blew up into a rage said I want a divorce and walked out of counseling. My NAR doesn’t disappear per say, twice he has said ” you need to go” out of the blue and tossed me out. Ugh the distrust I felt, why didn’t I listen to my gut? I was the one to leave him, it’s been a month since then. I got sick of being at the pub every day. My narc told me, just after the love-bombing stage, that he had contacted an old girlfriend from 30 years ago. 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